i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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