you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
