I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
