mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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