I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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