When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
