I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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