I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
