is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
