I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
