i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
