If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
