I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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