You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Drunk is a universal language darling
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