I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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