I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
