She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
