This is not my ceiling
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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