if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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