The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How drunk are you?
Completed.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
