if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
