how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
