who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Mom said you looked used
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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