Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the condom got lost in my hair
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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