while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
