I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
