got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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