you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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