you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
