Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
