Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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