I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
