I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
