Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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