thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
