just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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