Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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