i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
