I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
