She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
