woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
