actually, I'm a sock model
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
