"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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