I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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