Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He passed out mid-signature
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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