no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
