My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
