come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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