Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize