flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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