I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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