please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
