i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
