Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
