When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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