On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
