I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
